fear and hoarding in athvegas

alternate title: how i cleaned out my closet.

yeah, i’m still circling around the way i have fear based mechanisms in place all over my life. they keep appearing, new cogs and gears, moving me in directions i thought i was programmed to. it turns out, maybe i’m not supposed to be this way.

i watch a lot of netflix in the evenings after zoe goes to bed, and much to the chagrin of spencer and pretty much all my friends, i love the show hoarders. and anything dealing with hoarding. in the past, i used to watch it, think to myself, well thank God i’m not that bad.

does that sound like a verse? luke 18:11 says “The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.” so yeah, maybe there was some judgement, but there was a whole lot more convincing myself that my small piles of clutter were fine – sure, i totally need 18 cardigans, or 8 pairs of jeans i don’t wear. or chairs i can’t use in my house yet. or extra wool blankets. or books. and books and books and books.

and in my attempt at justifying my own hoards, i completely missed the point. well, two points. one, that there’s a deeper reason for my holding onto things. and two, i was super close to falling down that hole myself. anyone who knew me 10 years ago, and saw the insane amounts of stuff i kept filling our house with probably knows how close i actually was. and still am sometimes.

so what about my closet? i had dresses i hadn’t worn in years, jeans 2 sizes too small, and cardigans in every color of the rainbow, even though i only wear 4 or 5 of them. for me, with the homelessness, the joblessness, the despair of our previous years still written on the back of my eyelids, every time i looked in the closet, i saw money. the fact that i had so many clothes meant that no matter how broke we got, i’d still have clothes. sure, i hated half of them, but at one time i loved them, and if i really had to, i could wear them.

the phrase “poverty mindset” is thrown around the american church, and i think it is grossly misused and the solutions presented are often trite and meaningless. the thing is, poverty thinking is focused on the now. you’ve got 20 bucks? okay, put gas in your tank, buy 10 bucks in groceries, and pray nothing breaks. spending 5 dollars on thrifted shoes instead of saving for new, more expensive ones makes more sense. you know why? because as soon as you save some money, something bad will happen, and you won’t get your shoes. you’ll need your money elsewhere. your paycheck is completely allotted to food and gas and groceries, and bills and rent, and there’s no room for new clothes. better hang onto everything, because there’s no telling when you’ll get to buy something for yourself or your husband – any money for clothes goes to the growing child.

how do you escape that? i don’t know. i’m only now having to confront it, because we’re actually slowly digging out from that hole. are we rolling in it? not hardly. but the recent lowering of gas prices has given us breathing room in the budget in a way we’ve not had in years. it’s weird to be such an economic statistic, but we are. lower gas prices has freed up discretionary income, and forced me to look at my hoarding habits.

so i still watch hoarders, and i will likely keep doing so. but now, i can look and see people who are sick with fear, and somewhere along the line, something convinced them that they can’t get rid of anything. whether that something is mental illness, trauma, or other adverse events doesn’t matter. i watch it, and i want to get rid of half the things in our house. in a way, it’s cathartic for me, because i have to confront my stuff. i cleared out half my closet last night. and i’m not even kidding. i’ve only got clothes that fit me, and not only that, clothes that i like.

i kept a couple of tee shirts that don’t fit, 2 dresses and one pair of jeans. everything else is stuff i like, not just stuff i have. and that’s freeing. the act of taking the clothes off the hangers was a step towards walking away from the fear of not having enough. i still need to confront my emotional eating, and my poverty food habits, but i’m taking baby steps. i will be able to get the things i need, and i don’t need to hold onto everything just in case. the things i carry with me should be tools and not chains, assistants not weights.

i know this is a very long blog post to just talk about cleaning out my closet. but i had deeper issues to confront, and i want to keep doing it. i’m cleaning out my mental closet, trying to put away mindsets and attitudes that do nothing but destroy me. i want to walk away from fear.