i’m actually having a down day. it’s been a while. and while it’s no where near as bad as all the other horrifically down days i’ve suffered through, it’s still down. the restlessness and longing, feeling anxious, sadness that curls up in my chest like a sleeping cat – waiting for me to fall asleep so i can be smothered in a soft tail of despair. i guess that’s why i’m still awake – i can’t get it to uncurl.
is it the weather? it rained all day, and we didn’t play outside. but homeschooling went the best it’s gone in weeks – we were learning, playing games and having so much fun. we cleaned, watched a movie, i read, and did most of the things that make me feel better.
but the longing, the terrible longing won’t go away. it was triggered, i guess, by a disappointing bit of news – something we had hoped for. so now i’m left wondering what’s next, for us, for my family, and what will happen to us now. it’s not like things are terrible, and it’s life shattering. but it means that we’re back to the drawing board in so many ways, and left unmoored from the hopes that kept us from drifting out to sea.
actually, i feel a little better even writing all of this down, because i do need the reminder. it’s not a terminal illness, or a cancer diagnosis, or a death in the family – something i have watched way too many friends walk through. but it’s another thing on the list of things that keep us from moving forward. moving on.
f. scott fitzgerald summed it up in his perfect final line of “the great gatsby” – “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
here’s to hoping for a change in the current. and not drifting too far away. tomorrow, i’m planning on making sure i take care of my mental health – because too many days like this tend to pile, and then i haven’t brushed my teeth in two days and i can’t get out of bed before 1pm. which is close to becoming a reality. full disclosure, i’m pretty much already there. not a pretty sight, but i’m trying to fight this off. toothpaste not included.