so the week has been interesting so far… we did some science experiments, started learning about place value, read lots and lots, and generally (i use this loosely) had a good week. we even made cappuccino chip cookies (chocolate chip cookies with 3T instant espresso powder added to the dough). and then i started feeling isolated, cooped up, lonely and honestly, housebound. we had planned to go to baby land general today, but i knew that i needed a day of fun with my girl; driving through the mountains, visiting places with interesting ideas on where children come from, etc. so we went yesterday. and it was exactly what i needed. i think zoë felt the same way, because she was excellent all day, no complaining, no begging for candy EVERYWHERE we went, and listened fairly well most of the day.
i tried to incorporate the sorts of things she is currently learning about – we discussed roads vs. highways, counties and cities, money math (she helped me purchase things with the correct change), world geography (that is what i’m calling the globe we purchased at a thrift shop for her collection), farms and farmers, and even had p.e. at the burger king playground. on our way from one place to another, we found the tiny family owned dairy that produces the milk we buy at the grocery store. the sign said “fresh scooped ice cream” and who am i to turn that down? turns out the ice cream is only on saturdays, so we tried to bribe the cows with grass to come close enough to pet. we each got to touch the nose of one cow, which made zoë’s day complete. she got to pose with a 20 foot tall fiberglass cow, and say “moo” when i took her picture. it was definitely the kind of day we both needed. i hit up some thrift stores, we wandered around the mountains all day, and we got out of the house away from the math worksheets. which she is so over right now. still working on figuring that one out.
it’s a learning experience for me, to have to examine my thought processes, and make sure they’re not spiraling out of control again. wednesday night, after spencer went to work, i was feeling lonely, and isolated from my friends, and just plain bummed. the idea of staying here (in dahlonega) for a while is still a bitter pill. i’m trying to look at things the right way, but i’m so lonely up here. i see spencer, ostensibly my best friend, for about 4 hours a day. in the evenings, when we are eating dinner, putting zoë to bed, washing laundry and he catches up with his email. which means i see him for about 20 minutes. and then he’s off to work, and i’m off to bed. we’re trying to figure out how to make his schedule work, but 6-7 days a week on third shift is not easy to carve time out for each other. the upside to all of wednesday evening though, was realizing what was going on. i didn’t start staying up all night (though i did not sleep well at all), i didn’t stay in bed until 3pm, i didn’t shut down. but i did have to really examine why i was feeling so glum. it’s strange for me, because before prozac, any stress, any discomfort, any deviation from what i thought should be the norm would put me on the road to a depressive episode so quickly. life became so overwhelming, i quit feeling anything. i was just numb. now, being able to look at the way i’m feeling, and look for reasons and then start problem solving is so unlike what i’ve lived in for the last 14 odd years. it’s a good thing, it’s just different.
which is why yesterday was so good. we got out, i got to enjoy the sheer excitement on zoë’s face when she saw a cabbage patch kid being born, we played on a playground, and for a day, i got to feel a little less lonely, a little less cooped up. is a kindergarten skip day on the radar every week? no. i don’t think that’s the case. but when i am feeling isolated, we’re going to get out of the house, call some friends and family, and i’m going to give myself grace to do so in the process.
there’s a singer that i very much enjoy on overcast days like today, and he wrote in a song: “so may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten /sons are like birds, flying upward over the mountain.” though i am no son, i am that bird. sunrises are bringing hope, and we’re going upwards over the mountain.
enjoy the pics, and as always, there’s more in the flickr albums.