i’ve got some pictures to post, but i’ll get to them soon. i just needed to get some things out.
today, i was snuggling with zoe on the couch, and her hand was resting on my face. it was soft, softer than i expected, and unexpectedly sad. her mouth is soft because she’s never said hurtful things to a friend. her hands are soft, because she’s never slammed a door while she was angry, or held the hand of someone who is dying. her feet haven’t walked the roads of sorrow that criss-cross the world, and she’s never kicked her feet on the floor in a tantrum. all of these thoughts were flashing through my head, as she lays her head on my shoulder, and chews on her left fist. i can’t imagine what it is like to be so full of promise. and while she will have to one day harden her hands, i hope she never hardens her heart. i envy her, and yet i pity her. she doesn’t know real sorrow, and yet at the same time, only has a simplistic view of joy.
one day, she’ll eat her first ice cream cone, and if she eats it on a hot day, it will run down her hands, mess up her clothes, and make her mouth sticky. she’s going to run through sprinklers one day, laughing at the rainbows the water makes as it falls. she’ll enjoy her first snowball fight, and get to feel that kind of cold that makes your lungs feel funny. and when she does walk, i’m going to want to keep her feet from sorrow. i can already feel myself wanting to keep her from pain, from suffering, from life as it is in this painful world.
when she does have to apologize for being unkind, i want to help her keep her mouth sweet. to teach her to speak words of love. to offer a hand of kindness, and not anger. she will experience real joy, in a greater measure than she already does. i want to shelter her, and yet, i want her to know the joys of life, in a larger portion than she will the pain. and the only way for her to know joy, is to live. i can’t shelter her from the hardness of the world forever. believe methough, i will try as long as i can.
one day, this little girl is going to grow up, and she’s going to face the world on her own. and i hope that when she does, happiness falls out of her mouth, runs down her face like ice cream. sweetness pouring out on everyone around her.